A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
This did not end as expected.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no