Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN