Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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#growingpains
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
ok like just. call me at this point
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing