Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I love art.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.