If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
found my next D&D character name
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Blew out my flip flop…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Happy Friday
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.