Doug is just Canadian for dog
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Anime is real
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.