My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
When your parents check you’re ok.
What my back needs
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no