People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
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The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both