ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS