Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
can’t believe I got front row seats
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance