Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
no
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.