#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don鈥檛 take lead vocals. Just accept that you鈥檙e a background singer or get out.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
There鈥檚 nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there鈥檚 nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
He wanted to make sure馃槀
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball鈥檚 feelings.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it鈥檚 heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let鈥檚 go exercise!
ME: I鈥檓 lost
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet