My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.