Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣