Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*