me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.