The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
For anyone who needs this today
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k