I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I am never leaving this website
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
me as a parent
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.