Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.