If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.