i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.