“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?