If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.