A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I can fix him.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
But I really needed water water water
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up