What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Pickled cat.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Running from your problems is cardio .
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!