A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
#Caturday
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’