Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba