I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!