Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.