Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
notice
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Home is where your toilet is.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.