good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Sorry not sorry.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.