My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps