The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
You Might Also Like
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
What fresh Hell is this?!?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.