*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Welcome to the stomach
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…