professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Why font matters.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.