Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Spa day..😅
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?