When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”