Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.