HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad