I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Name another movie that mislead you?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME