I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.