To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.