Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together