if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.