Fiction has to make sense.
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: