2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
🤣😂
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I bet birds love this building.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.