[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
wish me luck lads