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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!