There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The honesty is refreshing
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I don’t get marriage
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.