Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Matt Goss
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I never know how much to tip a cow.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything